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How to Handle a Narcissist

There are also several other subtypes, including antagonistic narcissism, which is characterized by aggressiveness and feelings of entitlement, and communal narcissism, a type in which people tend to seek admiration for being altruistic or benevolent.

9 Tips for Dealing with Someone’s Narcissistic Personality Traits

Managing a relationship with someone who has narcissistic personality traits can take a toll on your well-being and mental health. Try strategies such as setting clear boundaries and relying on a support system of people you can trust.

The term narcissist is tossed around frequently. It is used to describe people who seem self-focused, concerned only for themselves, or manipulative of people in their lives.

Some people may have a mental health condition narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Only a qualified mental health professional can diagnose this condition based on the criteria outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5).

Other people may exhibit some traits of narcissism but do not qualify for an official diagnosis.

Here you can learn how to cope with a person in your life who has narcissistic personality traits, including what you can do to establish healthy behaviors and boundaries around this person.

Once you do get to see the doctor, don’t be surprised if you’re rushed out of the exam room before you get all of your questions answered, according to healthcare staffing agency Staff Care. Studies show that 41% of ophthalmologists spend just 9 to 12 minutes with a patient, and 13- to 16-minute appointments are the norm for 40% of cardiologists, 37% of pediatricians, 35% of urologists, 35% of family physicians, 34% of obstetricians and gynecologists and 30% of otolaryngologists.

We tend to use the word narcissist to describe a person who’s self-centered and short on empathy.

However, it’s important to remember that NPD is a legitimate mental health condition that can create significant challenges for the person living with it. It can also make it harder to others to maintain a relationship with the person.

Still, some people can exhibit narcissistic characteristics without being diagnosed with NPD. These might include:

appearing to have an inflated sense of self-importance
fostering a fantasy world to boost their sense of grandeur
needing constant praise and admiration
having a sense of entitlement
taking advantage of others or exploiting people without shame or guilt
not recognizing or caring about the needs of others
demeaning or bullying others
monopolizing conversations or meetings

To make things more complicated, people with NPD or narcissistic tendencies are often very sensitive to feedback from others. They may react with rage if confronted. They can also turn angry if they feel slighted or ignored.

Here’s a look at some practical ways to deal with someone who has NPD or narcissistic tendencies — plus some tips for recognizing when it’s time to move on.

People without NPD or other similar mental health conditions usually think of a relationship as a selfless equation. It’s about offering something to another person without the expectation of immediate or equal reimbursement.

That’s not typically the case with people with narcissist personality traits. They frequently view relationships as transactional or something that must benefit them.

Indeed, people with NPD are frequently charming, magnetic, and compelling. That can make them seem irresistible, sexy even. But the truth is that people with narcissistic traits often have troubled relationships rocked by jealousy, anger, and abuse.

A person with NPD is not always capable of the reciprocity that is necessary for healthy relationships. They may try to turn their shortcomings or failures around on others. They can be volatile and sensitive in arguments. In some cases, they may also use lies or manipulation to avoid accountability.

That can leave a partner exhausted, drained, and empty. Instead of defending themselves or setting boundaries for their own mental well-being, partners of people with NPD may decide it’s easier to go along with their partner’s demands and manipulation.

Of course, it’s important to note that not all relationships with a person who has NPD will be this troublesome. Some people can improve narcissistic tendencies and develop less one-sided relationships with treatment.

How not to deal with narcissistic tendencies

Confronting a person with NPD about their behaviors is rarely fruitful. In many cases, they will try to maintain the upper hand and are often very resistant to change.

Instead of attempting to “fix” a person with NPD, focusing on your own behaviors and well-being is best. This includes setting boundaries and building a stronger support system of friends, family, and professionals to help you navigate the ups and downs of a relationship with this person.

People often describe a person with a narcissistic personality as charming and likable, which may make it easy to overlook some of their other more harmful behaviors.

What should you not say to a narcissist?

People with narcissistic personalities can be hypersensitive to criticism and may react with hostility, rage, or aggression if confronted.

While it’s important to set boundaries and communicate clearly, confronting them about their behaviors, calling them a liar, or expecting them to change is unlikely to help.

Can narcissistic personality be corrected?

Narcissistic tendencies can improve with treatment, though this requires a lot of time, effort, and patience.

If you decide to maintain a relationship with someone with NPD during treatment, it’s important to set realistic expectations and healthy boundaries.

What are the four types of narcissism?

There are two main NPD types: Grandiose (overt) narcissism and vulnerable (covert) narcissism. While grandiose narcissism is often characterized by exaggerated self-worth and a need for admiration, people with vulnerable narcissism instead experience feelings of self-consciousness and insecurity.

There are also several other subtypes, including antagonistic narcissism, which is characterized by aggressiveness and feelings of entitlement, and communal narcissism, a type in which people tend to seek admiration for being altruistic or benevolent.

NPD is a serious mental health condition that can make building and maintaining healthy relationships challenging.

Though navigating a relationship with a person with NPD can be difficult, setting clear boundaries, building a strong support system, and practicing skills to keep calm and respond appropriately may be beneficial.

However, keep in mind that it’s also important to recognize when you need help and when it’s time to step away from the relationship.

How to Handle a Narcissist

You may wonder if your partner, co-worker, or family member is a narcissist. While many people have what doctors call narcissistic traits, like self-importance and entitlement (thinking they’re owed something), people diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder can be a bigger challenge.

“Living with a narcissist requires a different or more advanced emotional skill set,” says Kimberly Perlin, a licensed clinical social worker Towson, MD. She specializes in helping women in relationships with narcissists and also treats narcissists.

Having a narcissist in your life can be frustrating and emotionally challenging. Your relationship may revolve around them. You may feel judged and exhausted by their demands.

When she was a child, Carla Marie Manly, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Santa Rosa, CA, didn’t realize her older sibling was a narcissist. “Growing up with this highly controlling person was extremely challenging,” she says. “It was only in my adult years that I came to realize this sibling was a deeply troubled narcissist.”

How to Spot a Narcissist

Narcissists have a strong sense of grandiosity. That means they think they’re more important than others and often seek out admiration.

One of Perlin’s clients is a perfect example. “A client I worked with for years terminated therapy with me when he saw my new website and was insulted that the website didn’t talk about him,” she says.

Have a strong sense of grandiosity (they have high levels of self-esteem, self-importance, self-confidence, and often feel like they’re superior to others)
Are arrogant
Take advantage of others to get what they want
Believe they’re unique or special
Exaggerate achievements and talents
Need constant admiration
Feel envy toward others
Believe others envy them
Lack empathy
Are obsessed with fantasies of brilliance, power, or success
Have a sense of entitlement

Narcissists and Relationships

Manly learned a lot about narcissists from her older sibling and her experiences working with them. “I’ve learned that narcissists are the focus of their own lives. They often believe they’re perfect and blame others for issues that arise at work, home, or social situations.” she says.

Narcissists may do whatever it takes to get what they want. They generally don’t feel compassion and can’t connect intimately with others, even the people who are closest to them.

At work, a narcissist may seek admiration, even if it hurts others. They may take credit for other people’s work, undermine co-workers, or change their behavior to get approval from higher-level people. They may seem friendly and hard-working, but there’s often more to it than meets the eye.

At home, a narcissist can impact the whole family. If you’re in an intimate relationship with a narcissist, they may be highly critical of you, distant, and dismissive. You could feel invisible, disrespected, and lonely. If you’re a child of a narcissist, you may have been neglected or abused.

Sometimes it’s best to cut ties with a narcissist, especially if they’re abusive.

“For my own mental health, I’ve chosen to step back from investing in a personal relationship with my sibling,” Manly says. She accepts that her sibling doesn’t see their behavior as a problem and since her sibling has no desire for self-growth, an ongoing relationship will only lead to more frustration.

If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, expect it to be challenging. “Buckle up, it will be a very bumpy ride,” says Forrest Talley, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Folsom, CA. “It will be an extraordinarily taxing relationship.”

What to Do With a Narcissist

Take these steps to handle a narcissist:

Educateyourself. Find out more about the disorder. It can help you understand the narcissist’s strengths and weaknesses and learn how to handle them better. Knowing who they are may also allow you to accept the situation for what it is and have realistic expectations.

Create boundaries. Be clear about your boundaries. It may upset or disappoint the narcissist, but that’s OK. Remember, it’s not your job to control that person’s emotions, Perlin says.

Speak up for yourself. When you need something, be clear and concise. “Make sure they understand your request, Perlin says.

Stay calm. Try not to react if they try to pick a fight or gaslight you (making you doubt your own reality). If they lash out, think of them as a 3-year-old who feels rejected because their parent sets a bedtime, Talley says.

Create a support system. Living with a narcissist can lead to feelings of insecurity, confusion, and self-doubt. “Make sure you have a core group of people in your life that can support you,” Talley says.

Bring in a counselor. Therapy won’t cure your partner’s narcissism, but it may help you work certain things out. A counselor can show you ways to approach problem-solving with the narcissist.

What Not to Do With a Narcissist

Certain things may trigger problems with a narcissist, so it’s best to avoid them.

Don’t argue or confront. Manly finds it’s best not to confront a narcissist directly. As difficult as it may be to constantly tiptoe around them, it can be better to manage their need to feel in charge.

Don’t try to direct them. Narcissists like to have control and often fear losing it. “Efforts to lead or instruct a narcissist will often fail,” Manly says.

Don’t expect them to see your point of view. Narcissists don’t like to admit when they’re wrong or that they’re unlovable, so trying to make them see things your way could backfire.

Don’t expect deep, meaningful communication. “Narcissists have very little empathy, so honest, heartfelt communication often doesn’t get through and can even create an angry outburst or shutdown response,” Manly says.

Don’t go over past issues. Don’t try to make them see a long line of behavior dating back years — or how they’re just like their father, for example, Perlin says. Instead, stay in the present when you express requests or hurt feelings.

People with narcissistic personality disorder usually don’t change, so keep that in mind. Even if you learn to manage your relationship better, it probably won’t ever be a healthy relationship.

Show Sources

Forrest Talley, PhD, Invictus Psychological Services, Folsom, CA.

Kimberly Perlin, licensed clinical social worker, Townson, MD.

UNC HealthTalk: “My Partner Has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. How Can I Cope?”

Personality and Individual Differences: “Grandiose narcissists and decision making: Impulsive, overconfident, and skeptical of experts–but seldom in doubt.”

Carla Marie Manly, PhD, clinical psychologist, Santa Rosa, CA.

GoodTherapy: “Gaslighting,” “How to Deal with a Narcissist.”

How to Handle a Narcissist

9 Tips for Dealing with Someone’s Narcissistic Personality Traits