How to Handle a Narcissist

There are also several other subtypes, including antagonistic narcissism, which is characterized by aggressiveness and feelings of entitlement, and communal narcissism, a type in which people tend to seek admiration for being altruistic or benevolent.

9 Tips for Dealing with Someone’s Narcissistic Personality Traits

Managing a relationship with someone who has narcissistic personality traits can take a toll on your well-being and mental health. Try strategies such as setting clear boundaries and relying on a support system of people you can trust.

The term narcissist is tossed around frequently. It is used to describe people who seem self-focused, concerned only for themselves, or manipulative of people in their lives.

Some people may have a mental health condition narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Only a qualified mental health professional can diagnose this condition based on the criteria outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5).

Other people may exhibit some traits of narcissism but do not qualify for an official diagnosis.

Here you can learn how to cope with a person in your life who has narcissistic personality traits, including what you can do to establish healthy behaviors and boundaries around this person.

We tend to use the word narcissist to describe a person who’s self-centered and short on empathy.

However, it’s important to remember that NPD is a legitimate mental health condition that can create significant challenges for the person living with it. It can also make it harder to others to maintain a relationship with the person.

Still, some people can exhibit narcissistic characteristics without being diagnosed with NPD. These might include:

• appearing to have an inflated sense of self-importance
• fostering a fantasy world to boost their sense of grandeur
• needing constant praise and admiration
• having a sense of entitlement
• taking advantage of others or exploiting people without shame or guilt
• not recognizing or caring about the needs of others
• demeaning or bullying others
• monopolizing conversations or meetings

To make things more complicated, people with NPD or narcissistic tendencies are often very sensitive to feedback from others. They may react with rage if confronted. They can also turn angry if they feel slighted or ignored.

Here’s a look at some practical ways to deal with someone who has NPD or narcissistic tendencies — plus some tips for recognizing when it’s time to move on.

People without NPD or other similar mental health conditions usually think of a relationship as a selfless equation. It’s about offering something to another person without the expectation of immediate or equal reimbursement.

That’s not typically the case with people with narcissist personality traits. They frequently view relationships as transactional or something that must benefit them.

Indeed, people with NPD are frequently charming, magnetic, and compelling. That can make them seem irresistible, sexy even. But the truth is that people with narcissistic traits often have troubled relationships rocked by jealousy, anger, and abuse.

A person with NPD is not always capable of the reciprocity that is necessary for healthy relationships. They may try to turn their shortcomings or failures around on others. They can be volatile and sensitive in arguments. In some cases, they may also use lies or manipulation to avoid accountability.

That can leave a partner exhausted, drained, and empty. Instead of defending themselves or setting boundaries for their own mental well-being, partners of people with NPD may decide it’s easier to go along with their partner’s demands and manipulation.

Of course, it’s important to note that not all relationships with a person who has NPD will be this troublesome. Some people can improve narcissistic tendencies and develop less one-sided relationships with treatment.

How not to deal with narcissistic tendencies

Confronting a person with NPD about their behaviors is rarely fruitful. In many cases, they will try to maintain the upper hand and are often very resistant to change.

Instead of attempting to “fix” a person with NPD, focusing on your own behaviors and well-being is best. This includes setting boundaries and building a stronger support system of friends, family, and professionals to help you navigate the ups and downs of a relationship with this person.

People often describe a person with a narcissistic personality as charming and likable, which may make it easy to overlook some of their other more harmful behaviors.

However, it’s important to familiarize yourself with the signs of NPD so that they are easier to recognize.

This can also help you better understand the person’s strengths and weaknesses, so you are prepared to navigate any challenges that arise.

Plus, it can be the first step in learning to accept them for who they are and setting more realistic expectations about your relationship.

Talk with a mental health professional or read books written by mental health professionals. This may help you learn the best ways of communicating with your loved one showing signs of narcissistic personality traits.

Building healthy self-esteem can make it much easier to handle and cope with some of the potentially harmful behaviors you may encounter when maintaining a relationship with someone with NPD.

Engaging in positive self-talk, practicing self-care, and finding a healthy support system can help you develop resilience and foster your self-esteem.

Having higher self-esteem can also make it easier to set clear boundaries, be assertive, and advocate for yourself, all of which are key to maintaining a relationship with someone with NPD.

Sometimes, ignoring something or simply walking away is an appropriate response — pick your battles, right?

But a lot depends on the relationship. For example, dealing with a boss, parent, or spouse may call for different strategies than dealing with a co-worker, sibling, or child.

If you feel that your boundaries have been crossed when communicating with someone with NPD, try not to react, get visibly flustered, or show annoyance.

If it’s someone you’d like to keep close in your life, then you owe it to yourself to speak up. Try to do this in a calm, gentle manner.

You must tell them how their words and conduct impact your life. Be specific and consistent about what’s not acceptable and how you expect to be treated, but prepare yourself for the fact that it may be challenging for them to understand or empathize with your feelings.

You may notice that your boundaries are being crossed when dealing with someone with NPD.

Instead of trying to change someone with NPD, it’s best to set boundaries about any behaviors that are unacceptable to you and communicate them clearly to the other person.

You should also enforce these boundaries rather than making idle threats or ultimatums to ensure that you are being taken seriously.

For example

Say you have a co-worker who loves to park their big truck in a way that makes it hard for you to back out. Start by firmly asking them to make sure they leave you enough space. Then, state the consequences for not respecting your wishes.

Such as, if you can’t safely back out, you’ll have their car towed. The key is to follow through and call the towing company the next time it happens.

Practicing skills like deep breathing, yoga, or meditation may make it easier to remain calm and avoid reacting when interacting with someone with NPD.

Becoming clear on your intentions or practicing what you plan to say before asserting your boundaries may also be beneficial.

It can also help you anticipate how they may react to challenging conversations so that you can respond appropriately.

If you can’t avoid the person, try to build up your healthy relationships and support network of people. Spending too much time in a dysfunctional relationship with someone who has a narcissistic personality can leave you emotionally drained.

Rekindle old friendships and try to nurture new ones. Get together with family more often.

If your social circle is smaller than you’d prefer, try taking a class to explore a new hobby. Get active in your community or volunteer for a local charity. Do something that allows you to meet more people you feel comfortable with.

• both people listen and make an effort to understand each other
• both people acknowledge their mistakes and take responsibility for them
• both people feel like they can relax and be their true selves in front of the other

Many people with narcissistic personalities are good at making promises. They may promise to do what you want and not to do that thing you hate or promise to generally do better.

Oftentimes, they are also sincere about these promises. However, in other cases, these promises may also be a means to their own ends.

Though direct confrontation is not recommended, it is important to be clear about what you want, need, or expect, and express yourself calmly and gently. Let them know that you’ll fulfill their requests only after they’ve fulfilled yours.

You should also stay consistent and follow through to take your expectations seriously.

People with NPD frequently have other disorders such as substance use disorder or other mental health or personality disorders. Having another disorder may be what prompts someone to seek help.

It’s also important to remember that narcissistic traits aren’t indicative of a more severe mental health issue. It is possible for some people to display some traits, such as delusions of grandeur or a sense of entitlement, without it being the result of a more significant mental health condition.

The only way to distinguish between random traits and a true disorder is through an evaluation with a mental health professional.

Of course, even people with narcissistic traits might benefit from the help of a mental health professional. Regardless of a larger diagnosis, some traits can be detrimental to relationships, personal development, and well-being.

And remember, while NPD is a mental health condition, it doesn’t excuse harmful or abusive behavior.

Regularly managing a relationship with someone who has a narcissistic personality can take a toll on your own mental and physical health.

If you have symptoms of anxiety, depression, or unexplained physical ailments, or you feel impacted by a relationship with a challenging person, see a primary care doctor first. Once you have a checkup, you can ask for referrals to other services, such as mental health professionals and support groups.

Reach out to family and friends and call your support system into service. There’s no need to go it alone.

Some people with narcissistic personalities can also be verbally or emotionally abusive.

Here are some signs of an abusive relationship:

• name-calling, insults
• patronizing, public humiliation
• yelling, threatening
• jealousy, accusations

Other warning signs to watch for in the other person include:

• blaming you for everything that goes wrong
• monitoring your movements or attempting to isolate you
• telling you how you really feel or should feel
• routinely projecting their shortcomings onto you
• denying things that are obvious to you or attempting to gaslight you
• trivializing your opinions and needs

But at what point is it time to throw in the towel? Every relationship has its ups and downs, right?

While this is true, it’s generally best to leave the relationship if:

• you’re being verbally or emotionally abused
• you feel manipulated and controlled
• you’ve been physically abused or feel threatened
• you feel isolated
• the person with NPD or a narcissistic personality shows signs of mental illness or substance misuse, but won’t get help
• your mental or physical health has been affected

• American Psychiatric Association: Find a Psychiatrist
• American Psychological Association: Psychologist Locator
• Veterans Affairs: VA Certified Counselors

What should you not say to a narcissist?

People with narcissistic personalities can be hypersensitive to criticism and may react with hostility, rage, or aggression if confronted.

While it’s important to set boundaries and communicate clearly, confronting them about their behaviors, calling them a liar, or expecting them to change is unlikely to help.

Can narcissistic personality be corrected?

Narcissistic tendencies can improve with treatment, though this requires a lot of time, effort, and patience.

If you decide to maintain a relationship with someone with NPD during treatment, it’s important to set realistic expectations and healthy boundaries.

What are the four types of narcissism?

There are two main NPD types: Grandiose (overt) narcissism and vulnerable (covert) narcissism. While grandiose narcissism is often characterized by exaggerated self-worth and a need for admiration, people with vulnerable narcissism instead experience feelings of self-consciousness and insecurity.

There are also several other subtypes, including antagonistic narcissism, which is characterized by aggressiveness and feelings of entitlement, and communal narcissism, a type in which people tend to seek admiration for being altruistic or benevolent.

NPD is a serious mental health condition that can make building and maintaining healthy relationships challenging.

Though navigating a relationship with a person with NPD can be difficult, setting clear boundaries, building a strong support system, and practicing skills to keep calm and respond appropriately may be beneficial.

However, keep in mind that it’s also important to recognize when you need help and when it’s time to step away from the relationship.

How to Handle a Narcissist

You may wonder if your partner, co-worker, or family member is a narcissist. While many people have what doctors call narcissistic traits, like self-importance and entitlement (thinking they’re owed something), people diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder can be a bigger challenge.

“Living with a narcissist requires a different or more advanced emotional skill set,” says Kimberly Perlin, a licensed clinical social worker Towson, MD. She specializes in helping women in relationships with narcissists and also treats narcissists.

Having a narcissist in your life can be frustrating and emotionally challenging. Your relationship may revolve around them. You may feel judged and exhausted by their demands.

When she was a child, Carla Marie Manly, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Santa Rosa, CA, didn’t realize her older sibling was a narcissist. “Growing up with this highly controlling person was extremely challenging,” she says. “It was only in my adult years that I came to realize this sibling was a deeply troubled narcissist.”

How to Spot a Narcissist

Narcissists have a strong sense of grandiosity. That means they think they’re more important than others and often seek out admiration.

One of Perlin’s clients is a perfect example. “A client I worked with for years terminated therapy with me when he saw my new website and was insulted that the website didn’t talk about him,” she says.

• Have a strong sense of grandiosity (they have high levels of self-esteem, self-importance, self-confidence, and often feel like they’re superior to others)
• Are arrogant
• Take advantage of others to get what they want
• Believe they’re unique or special
• Exaggerate achievements and talents
• Need constant admiration
• Feel envy toward others
• Believe others envy them
• Lack empathy
• Are obsessed with fantasies of brilliance, power, or success
• Have a sense of entitlement

Narcissists and Relationships

Manly learned a lot about narcissists from her older sibling and her experiences working with them. “I’ve learned that narcissists are the focus of their own lives. They often believe they’re perfect and blame others for issues that arise at work, home, or social situations.” she says.

Narcissists may do whatever it takes to get what they want. They generally don’t feel compassion and can’t connect intimately with others, even the people who are closest to them.

At work, a narcissist may seek admiration, even if it hurts others. They may take credit for other people’s work, undermine co-workers, or change their behavior to get approval from higher-level people. They may seem friendly and hard-working, but there’s often more to it than meets the eye.

At home, a narcissist can impact the whole family. If you’re in an intimate relationship with a narcissist, they may be highly critical of you, distant, and dismissive. You could feel invisible, disrespected, and lonely. If you’re a child of a narcissist, you may have been neglected or abused.

Sometimes it’s best to cut ties with a narcissist, especially if they’re abusive.

“For my own mental health, I’ve chosen to step back from investing in a personal relationship with my sibling,” Manly says. She accepts that her sibling doesn’t see their behavior as a problem and since her sibling has no desire for self-growth, an ongoing relationship will only lead to more frustration.

If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, expect it to be challenging. “Buckle up, it will be a very bumpy ride,” says Forrest Talley, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Folsom, CA. “It will be an extraordinarily taxing relationship.”

What to Do With a Narcissist

Take these steps to handle a narcissist:

Educateyourself. Find out more about the disorder. It can help you understand the narcissist’s strengths and weaknesses and learn how to handle them better. Knowing who they are may also allow you to accept the situation for what it is and have realistic expectations.

Create boundaries. Be clear about your boundaries. It may upset or disappoint the narcissist, but that’s OK. Remember, it’s not your job to control that person’s emotions, Perlin says.

Speak up for yourself. When you need something, be clear and concise. “Make sure they understand your request, Perlin says.

Stay calm. Try not to react if they try to pick a fight or gaslight you (making you doubt your own reality). If they lash out, think of them as a 3-year-old who feels rejected because their parent sets a bedtime, Talley says.

Create a support system. Living with a narcissist can lead to feelings of insecurity, confusion, and self-doubt. “Make sure you have a core group of people in your life that can support you,” Talley says.

Bring in a counselor. Therapy won’t cure your partner’s narcissism, but it may help you work certain things out. A counselor can show you ways to approach problem-solving with the narcissist.

What Not to Do With a Narcissist

Certain things may trigger problems with a narcissist, so it’s best to avoid them.

Don’t argue or confront. Manly finds it’s best not to confront a narcissist directly. As difficult as it may be to constantly tiptoe around them, it can be better to manage their need to feel in charge.

Don’t try to direct them. Narcissists like to have control and often fear losing it. “Efforts to lead or instruct a narcissist will often fail,” Manly says.

Don’t expect them to see your point of view. Narcissists don’t like to admit when they’re wrong or that they’re unlovable, so trying to make them see things your way could backfire.

Don’t expect deep, meaningful communication. “Narcissists have very little empathy, so honest, heartfelt communication often doesn’t get through and can even create an angry outburst or shutdown response,” Manly says.

Don’t go over past issues. Don’t try to make them see a long line of behavior dating back years — or how they’re just like their father, for example, Perlin says. Instead, stay in the present when you express requests or hurt feelings.

People with narcissistic personality disorder usually don’t change, so keep that in mind. Even if you learn to manage your relationship better, it probably won’t ever be a healthy relationship.

Show Sources

Forrest Talley, PhD, Invictus Psychological Services, Folsom, CA.

Kimberly Perlin, licensed clinical social worker, Townson, MD.

UNC HealthTalk: “My Partner Has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. How Can I Cope?”

Personality and Individual Differences: “Grandiose narcissists and decision making: Impulsive, overconfident, and skeptical of experts–but seldom in doubt.”

Carla Marie Manly, PhD, clinical psychologist, Santa Rosa, CA.

GoodTherapy: “Gaslighting,” “How to Deal with a Narcissist.”