Would You Date Someone With Herpes

I had barely finished my first semester of college when I found out I had herpes. A high school friend and I wound up taking our friendship a little further, and 20 seconds into the act that would change my life forever, he stopped.

Dating With Herpes

I had barely finished my first semester of college when I found out I had herpes. A high school friend and I wound up taking our friendship a little further, and 20 seconds into the act that would change my life forever, he stopped.

My friend said I was too much like a sister, and he couldn’t continue. Then he left. I worried about how that incident would affect our friendship. Little did I know my worries would extend far beyond that concern.

Less than a week later, I found myself in excruciating pain. It hurt to walk, and I couldn’t use soap anywhere near my genital area. I knew enough about sexually transmitted diseases to know that I had herpes, but I didn’t know exactly what to do.

The Diagnosis

As I sat in the college health center waiting to see a doctor, I watched my very short-lived social life drift by. I was thinking that I’d probably never go on another date, or get a boyfriend for that matter, and I’d certainly never have sex again.

The nurse who examined me revealed that they had herpes and said it was no big deal. They had been free of outbreaks for 12 years, and the same might be the case for me, they said.

Genital herpes is a contagious viral infection that remains permanently in the nerve cells. Many people are unaware they have it, because they don’t experience symptoms or because they attribute the symptoms to something else. During an outbreak, blisters or sores appear on or around the genital area. Some people never experience a second outbreak.

The nurse taught me how to manage the virus, but managing my personal life was another story.

The Encounter

When I confronted my friend about the situation, I asked if he knew that he had herpes. ”I thought it was a cut,” he said.

”How would you cut yourself there?” I asked.

Years later, I’ve come to the realization that he knew he had herpes, and that is the reason he stopped in the midst of our sexual adventure. Our friendship, unfortunately, ended as quickly as the act. It was hard enough to face the fact that we’d had sex, or tried to, and it was much harder to cope with the fact that I had caught an incurable sexually transmitted disease.

The Silent Approach

In 1989, when I got herpes, the nurse told me I couldn’t transmit the virus unless I was having an outbreak. (At the time, many doctors and other health care providers believed this to be the case, although a number of research studies had already suggested otherwise.) So, I decided to keep quiet. For three years, I had a boyfriend who never knew I had herpes. Each time I had an outbreak, which for me consisted of a very small cluster of blisters that lasted two or three days, I’d pretend I had a yeast infection and say I couldn’t have sex until it was gone.

By the time I finished college in 1994, the possibility of spreading the virus even when you didn’t have an outbreak had become more widely accepted by health care providers. I was still uncomfortable about bringing up the subject, but now I didn’t have much of a choice. I didn’t date for awhile, but inevitably, I met someone.

Telling All

I held off on sex for as long as I could, but it got more and more difficult. One day, my new beau reassured me, “I’m disease-free, I just got tested. You have nothing to worry about.”

I appreciated his honesty and knew I had to tell him that he was the one who had something to worry about.

Soon, my secret was out. I explained that I had herpes, and that was why I was being so cautious. I told him that to my knowledge I had never spread the virus to anyone else, and that I was very careful. I had always insisted on using condoms, which can reduce the risk of transmission. My selling point, however, was telling him that approximately one in four people has herpes and, statistically speaking, he undoubtedly had slept with someone who had herpes. He said he would know if he had been with someone who had herpes.

He thought about that for a minute and then realized he might not know. In the end, instead of rejecting me, he chose to continue our relationship. What a relief. But after we had sex, he would always wash himself like a doctor scrubbing down for an operation. I could hardly blame him, but it wreaked havoc on my self-esteem. Since he was disease-free, he refused to wear condoms, instead choosing the scrub-down — something that would do nothing to prevent herpes transmission.

That relationship eventually came to an end, leaving me worried yet again about getting back in the dating game. Then, while surfing the Web for information on the latest herpes medication, I stumbled across a web site for people with herpes.

Finding Help and Support

There are dozens of web sites that provide online support and information for people with herpes. Many feature chat rooms, bulletin boards, treatment information, personal ads, and social groups around the world. A friend of mine had recently married a guy she met on the Web — proving that not every Internet date is a psycho — so I gave it a try.

I met dozens of electronic pen pals and eventually went on several dates. It was a relief not to worry about when to bring up my medical history, and to bond with a guy over asymptomatic shedding instead of having to explain it.

The whole experience made me more comfortable with the fact that I have herpes and gave me the confidence to begin dating again. It was as if I had just re-entered mainstream society. Not everyone with herpes has to date someone infected with the virus to find true love, but in my case, it worked.

Mr. Right Online

Eventually, I met a man online who lived only three miles from me. We discovered we had numerous mutual friends. Given the circumstances, it was surprising that we hooked up on the Web and not at a neighborhood barbecue.

Soon we will be married, and more than 100 family members and friends are invited to join our celebration. Most have no idea how we really met, but it’s not important. Herpes brought us together, but it’s the love, laughter, and good times that keep us close.

Ann Smith is a pseudonym for a journalist living in California.

Would You Date Someone With Herpes?

Whom you chose to date is a personal choice. But learning someone you are interested in has herpes can be extremely stressful, and you may now know what to do.

From a medical standpoint, herpes is a manageable and suppressible disease caused by infection with herpes simplex virus (HSV). This means that with appropriate treatment, a person can reduce their risk of an outbreak or sores. However, HSV has no cure, and once infected, it remains dormant in your body.

It’s therefore important to be aware of the facts about HSV and discuss your concerns with your partner in order to keep each other safe.

What is HSV and how does it spread?

Herpes typically presents with rash, sores, and blisters in and/or around the mouth or genitals. Many people may not have any symptoms of herpes despite being infected.

In most cases, herpes blisters heal without long-term scarring. The recurrence rate is about 33% for people with oral herpes and 50% for those with genital herpes. More facts about HSV include the following:

• HSV spreads by skin-to-skin contact with a rash and can be sexually transmitted (oral, vaginal, and anal sex). It can also spread by sharing sex toys.
• Women with active genital herpes can pass on the infection to their babies while giving birth.
• It is highly contagious between the time when symptoms first appear and blisters or sores completely heal.
• Both oral and genital herpes can spread even in the absence of sores. This is called asymptomatic shedding. It is extremely important to be aware of this because there is about a 10% chance you can get herpes infection from a person who is asymptomatic yet shedding the virus.
• People who have active herpes can start dating and engaging in sexual contact once they have been treated and recovered (after at least 7 days after the rash goes away), but it is important that they are honest with their partners.
• Using condoms may reduce the risk of herpes transmission but will not eliminate the risk completely.

What are signs and symptoms of herpes?

There are two types of HSV:

1. Herpes simplex virus 1 (HSV-1): Mostly affects the mouth and surrounding skin.
2. Herpes simplex virus 2 (HSV-2): Causes herpes around the genital organs and buttocks and even oral rash in cases of oral sex.

Symptoms develop 2-20 days after the initial exposure to HSV. Initial signs may include:

• Itching, burning, pain, or tingling around the mouth or genitals
• Sores or blisters around the mouth or genitals

Other signs and symptoms may include:

When herpes recurs, symptoms are similar to those during the initial infection but may be less severe, and the recovery period is typically shorter.

How to deal with the fact that your partner has herpes

Although there is a stigma associated with the disease, about 1 in 6 people between ages 14 to 49 years have genital herpes. It’s therefore a common sexually transmitted infection (STI) that any sexually active person may unknowingly contract if they were exposed to herpes simplex virus (HSV) in a previous relationship.

If your boyfriend or girlfriend is upfront with you about being infected, you may appreciate their candor rather than judge them for it. Remember that with the right medication, open conversations, and abstinence during the outbreak of a rash, you can minimize the chance of getting infected.

It’s important to talk to your partner, educate yourself about herpes, and correct myths that may be causing undue alarm. Herpes may cause certain limitations in your sex life and intimacy, and you will need to be cautious. However, in most cases, herpes does not have to be a deal breaker.

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Medically Reviewed on 7/7/2021
References

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