What Is Emotional Self-Harm and What Does It Look Like?
We can be our own worst critics, but when negative self-talk and self-punishment become your dominant inner dialogue, you may be experiencing emotional self-harm.
It’s natural to be hard on yourself from time to time. Wanting to meet certain expectations can help you reach your goals. It’s OK to hold yourself accountable.
When your inner dialogue becomes critical of yourself all the time, or you excessively shame yourself over minor bumps in the road, you may be putting yourself through emotional self-harm.
Self-harm is a term used to describe behaviors that cause intentional self-injury. It includes suicide attempts, nonsuicidal self-injury (NSSI) like scratching or cutting, and physiological self-injury.
Emotional self-harm occurs when you use your thoughts and behaviors to cause an emotional distress response.
What’s the difference between emotional self-harm and physical self-harm?
Emotional self-harm involves intentional emotional distress. It can occur in the form of physical actions, like substance abuse, but it isn’t the same as physical self-harm.
Physical self-harm, also known as NSSI, is any deliberate physical injury to yourself that doesn’t involve the intention of dying. It’s often used as a form of external release for psychological distress.
Research suggests emotional self-harm often precedes NSSI, and you can experience both simultaneously.
Help is out there
If you or someone you know is in crisis and considering suicide or self-harm, please seek support:
- Call the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988.
- Text HOME to the Crisis Textline at 741741.
- Not in the United States? Find a helpline in your country with Befrienders Worldwide.
- Call 911 or your local emergency services number if you feel safe to do so.
If you’re calling on behalf of someone else, stay with them until help arrives. You may remove weapons or substances that can cause harm if you can do so safely.
If you are not in the same household, stay on the phone with them until help arrives.
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Emotional self-harm can mean something different for everyone. In general, it includes:
Self-destructive behaviors
Ann Robinson, a licensed clinical social worker and trauma specialist from Fort Collins, Colorado, explains, “This is when we repeatedly engage in behaviors that we anticipate will be hurtful.”
- staying in abusive situations
- substance misuse
- social withdrawal
- unprotected sexual behaviors
- dangerous driving
- illegal activities
- fighting
“These experiences impact the way that we see our self-worth, our self-talk, and our self-esteem,” Robinson says.
Negative self-talk
Negative self-talk as emotional self-harm is more than just a passing internal comment when you’ve made an error. Negative self-talk becomes emotional self-harm when it’s used to discipline yourself for perceived flaws or mistakes.
Katherine Chan, a licensed marriage and family therapist from Los Angeles, says it includes “yelling at yourself in anger, calling yourself names (like loser or worthless), and regular ridiculing.”
Self-restriction
Self-punishment doesn’t have to come only in the form of negative talk. It can also include restricting your personal needs, like not allowing yourself sleep or food until a certain condition is met.
Cognitive distortions
Cognitive distortions, also known as cognitive errors, are thought patterns that create a distorted reality about how you see yourself and how you believe others see you.
Many types of cognitive distortions exist, including:
- jumping to conclusions
- catastrophizing
- comparison
- black-and-white thinking
- disqualifying the positive
- emotional reasoning
- externalizing self-worth
- making assumptions
- labeling
- magnification
- mind reading
- minimization
- overgeneralization
- perfectionism
- selective abstraction
- “should” statements
In emotional self-harm, for example, Rachel Montoni, a psychologist from New York City explains catastrophizing means always assuming or believe the worst-case scenario will happen.
Another example is in black-and-white thinking, which can lead to negative-thought extremes, she says, such as “I always fail” or “I’m never going to win” statements.